Here's an idea, Hollywood: COME UP WITH SOMETHING ORIGINAL!!!

I'm sick of all these remakes coming out these days. Has Hollywood run out of new ideas to put to the silver screen? Or maybe they just forgot how to be original period. I'm sure I can name off 20 remakes without killing any brain cells straining to think of one. Lets see...

Don't have Sparkles play me.

The latest rumor (sacrilege) is Robert 'Sparkles' Pattinson to play Indiana Jones. For my reaction to that news, click here. Sparkles should play Indiana Jones as much as Morgan Freeman should play the token black guy in the next Scary Movie.

Last House on the Left: The original was one of the most graphic, violent, and disturbing movies I've ever seen. After watching the remake, the original is STILL one of the most graphic, violent, and disturbing movies I've ever seen. The remake didn't come close. It was no different than any of these other dime a dozen horror films that have come out over the last 15 years or so.

A Nightmare on Elm Street gave me nightmares...Nightmares of just how bad the damn movie is. The worst Elm Street sequel was #5. And that was much better than the remake.

Freddy vs Fredrick. Fight to the death, no time limit. Who wins?

The Amityville Horror: There have been so many bad remakes of this movie, its unbelievable. However, only one of the remakes has the same name. Catch my drift?

Spiderman: I will admit that the reboot is better than the first trilogy with Toby McGuire. But still...It hasn't even been 15 years since the first one, let alone the last one. Was a reboot this soon really necessary?

Friday the 13th: See A Nightmare on Elm Street.

JJ Abrams's Star Trek: Horrible. They are good fun movies, but they are not Star Trek. They might as well have called the movies something else. I'll likely do a review on everything wrong with them when the next movie comes out. And, while I did enjoy both of them, it was strictly from an entertainment standpoint.

Al Gore called me.

The Day the Earth Stood Still: The original was about how war was going to destroy us all, so Klaatu was going to just do it for us. The remake is essentially the same, except Klaatu is going to destroy is because of global warming. Puhleeeeze!

Clash of the Titans: The original is a timeless classic. The remake seems like they tried to combine the original movie, and The Odyssey. Why?

Evil Dead: I actually liked that one. As far as remakes go, this one was pretty good. But still, you have to ask what was the point? It was a mirror image of the original, but with a female version of Ash. Ashley? 

I pity the fool who
paid to see this movie!

The A Team: They flew a tank. And, no Mr T. And, they flew a tank. Did I mention they flew a tank? Oh, and they flew a tank.

The Wicker Man: I thought the original was slow, boring, and anti-climactic. The remake? Even more so. However, lots of people seem to agree with my take on the remake even though they disagree with it for the original.

Death Race: The original, Death Race 2000 is a cult classic. The remake takes place on a prison island, as a virtual reality show. No real element of danger to the public which was the shock value of the original film.

Footloose: I'm sorry. It just didn't work with today's pop culture. The original is a classic, but the thought of something like that happening in today's world is idiotic.

Psycho: See Friday the 13th.

Halloween: Nothing like taking the hero of the original film and turning her into an unbearable bitch who you WANT to get killed.

Red Dawn: North Korea invades us? Riiight. No wonder Kim Jong Un is so emboldened lately. He probably thinks that the movie is actual news United States news footage from when his uncle was in charge.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Just how many remakes of this movie do we need? And they get worse and worse each time, and flop harder and harder each time. But, rest assured that within the next 10 years, there will be yet another remake of this movie.

I like fishies! Got any fishies?

Godzilla: And I'm talking about the 1998 Matthew Broderick abomination, not the new one which I haven't seen yet. However, I am cautiously optimistic about that one, even though I am a classic Godzilla fan. This new one looks good, and I will be reviewing it once I see it. This 1998 film was horrible. In fact, the real Godzilla fought it and killed it in about 10 seconds flat. The alien who summoned Broderick's Zilla said this after Godzilla whipped it: "I knew that tuna-eating lizard was useless!"

If you call me a cylon, I will ask you politely not to do it again!

Robocop: What was the point? The originals were all rated R, and were extremely violent. They were actual commentaries on America at that time in what was popular. A robot Dirty Harry! This 'kinder, gentler' Robocop rated PG-13 doesn't deliver.

There you go. 20. However, here's several more just to prove the point. Conan the Barbarian, Carrie, Fright Night, The Karate Kid, and Planet of the Apes. 

If you remake me, my friends and I will
pay you a visit.

Since they've ruined remade Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween, and Psycho, is it just a matter of time before we see a Hellraiser remake? My point here is 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it!' However, Hollywood's seems to be 'If it's just fine, ruin it with special effects!' And, if Hollywood can't come up with an original concept, these super hero movies with various comic book characters seems to work. There's a LOT to choose from. Also, why not adapt more books to movies? Most of the Stephen King movies have been pretty good. Dean Koontz has many books to choose from as well. There are so many great authors out there. So, why not use them if Hollywood can't come up with a story that hasn't been done before? Is it a money issue? Surely paying royalties would be less expensive than spending millions of dollars on a remake, only to have it flop at the box office? Just something to think about.

And there are rumors of remakes coming for Jaws, Jurassic Park, Scarface, Highlander, The Birds, ET, A Clockwork Orange, The Crow, ANOTHER Conan movie, It, The Neverending Story, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Ghostbusters, and more. A friend of mine posted this on Facebook, and I agree with her: "I'm convinced that Hollywood is on a mission to butcher every single thing from the' 80s, and will not rest until those of us who grew up with these films have our childhood memories completely ruined."

Things That Annoyed or Embarassed Me on TV...

This topic could easily spawn a series, but we are going to just focus on a few things that annoyed me on TV for the moment.

Have you ever watched TV shows, and been GENUINELY embarrassed by something that was being done on the show? For example, you're watching one of YOUR shows, and a roommate comes in with his girlfriend and 2 HOT friends right as the cast of your show does something really embarrassing.

The other side of this coin is something in a show that really got under your skin for whatever reason...or something that really 'grinds your gears'. Maybe something that insults your intelligence.

Whatever the case, we are going to discuss them here, and NOW! So, sit back and remissness. These things will annoy you too.

First on my list is:

Saved by the Bell. Yes, I watched this stupid show when I was younger. But even then, I was not a fan of the show. I watched it because of the even younger bitch I was living with at the time. (I was 21, she was 19.) I have always been analytical, and this show really bugged me. (other than the REALLY bad acting.) Why? Because it took place in a high school. High schools have classes with 20+ people in them. Yet when they showed any type of class activity, it was just the 5 stars of the shows. Didn't matter where they went. It was Zack and the rest of his crew, and nobody else. You would think the show's budget would allow 10 extras just to preserve the realism? You would be wrong.

Question: Did Slater know what his girlfriend did after
graduation? She went "different places."

Going to Disney World. There was no worse waste of a TV series episode than when the cast went to Disney World. Every time I saw this, it was the same thing. The cast riding the rides at Disney World. B-O-R-I-N-G. I can't imagine why producers of shows would do this, (unless Disney paid them to do it) because those episodes every time they were done got the lowest ratings of the season. Roseanne even did it. John Goodman's character redeemed it sort of, when he finally found the World of Beer in Epcot. However, the Family Matters Disney episode was painful. It was 2 (maybe even 3) episodes of just the family riding rides, except for the scenes with Urkel. He invented a machine that turned him from a nerd to a suave stud muffin that Laura was all over. But, of course, he realized she was in love with the fake Urkel, and turned back into the nerd. All at Disney World! Does Disney World really need the publicity bad enough to inject themselves into regular TV?

Oh come on...Full House did it too!
(We'll get to Full House later)

Breaking Into Song or something similar. There was nothing worse than when your characters broke into a song for no reason. And, it was NEVER a good song. For example, in Star Trek, it happened frequently. We won't even get into the original series. It came out during the 60's, so they get a pass. Its still the best Trek series by a long shot. But, the most notable time was when Picard was in the lounge, and led the crew in a song that started off "Come Cheer Up My Lads" or something like that. It was embarrassing to watch alone, let alone when a roommate walked in at that exact moment.

Other than song, was hopscotch?? In Deep Space Nine, the crew did a hopscotch number while chanting a nursery rhyme. Luckily, I watched that one alone, and nobody walked in on me. Even though I was alone, I was still embarrassed.

Thanks To Our Great Friends!!! This has happened in lots of TV series. A band stars on a sitcom as themselves, and the cast of the show gets invited up on stage at a concert to sing with the band. Full House was probably the worst example that I've seen. The gang wins a contest to hang out with The Beach Boys. The band loved the family so much that they unexpectedly invited them up on stage to sing Barbara Ann with them. And, the children (who had likely never even heard the song before the episode was filmed) somehow knew the words to the song, even though they were not expecting to be invited on stage. This happens in so many sitcoms, and it is lame every time its done.

Let's get our great friends from that
TV Show to join us on stage!!!

Overkill! A murder was committed at 5:45 this morning. It is solved by 5:00 PM the same day. Every day. Day in, and day out. Kill someone? You're gonna get it! YEEEAAAHHHHHH!!! I'm not so much embarrassed by the CSI crew, other than the fact that murders are not solved that fast...ever. Which means that they are insulting their (dumb) viewers intelligence. A friend of mine is a cop, and a victim of a minor burglary once told him "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WILL TAKE SOME TIME??? THEY GET IT DONE IN ONE DAY ON CSI!!! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU??

You do realize our nation is screwed, right???

Someone was killed in Miami, then taken
to Africa, where their body was split in pieces
and sent to North Korea, and Antarctica, and
the moon? Call me at 5PM!

Ambiguously Gay Duo! And, I'm not talking about the SNL skit. I'm talking about Supernatural. Sam and Dean Winchester are brothers who hunt ghosts, demons, monsters, etc. But their relationship is like an old married couple that thrives on a love/hate obsession. They bicker like an old married couple, and to some sick freaks, it looks gay.

Seriously, I love a good TV series better than any movie. However, the acting leaves a lot to be desired, especially with speaking extras. Who cares what they have to say, right?

Directors...Just lose the drama!

Goodnight! 

The Top 5 Fictional Rock Band Movies

And now, back to the countdown!

Here is my listing of the top 10 fictional rock band movies of all time. Let me give you the criteria. It has to be a movie about being in a band, and it has to be realistic. Also, I have to have seen the film. For example, Pink Floyd's The Wall won't be on the list because as great as it is, it isn't about a day in the life of a fictitious band. Its about the mental destruction of a rock star. Also, Rock of Ages won't be on this list either because while its a fun movie, it is simply a little too far fetched. Its supposed to be based on the scene in the 80's along the strip in LA in the 80's, and the Whiskey a Go Go. Instead, we get the notion that pipe dreams do come true, and everyone lives happily ever after. Well, that ain't reality. The reality is that being in a band from the local level up is dirty, time consuming, and often, not very rewarding. The movies on this list show that. Oh, and by the way...Rock Star will not be on the list. Rock Star was supposed to be the story of Ripper Owens and Judas Priest, until Hollywood wanted to turn it into a chick flick. Also, Almost Famous won't be on the list. While it is a great movie, the story is about the kid, not the band.

So, here we go:

#5 The Rocker A teenager's band loses their drummer. However, the nerdy keyboard player's uncle is the original drummer from a now legendary hair metal band. He was screwed out of the band when the they got signed. He never recovered. The keyboard player asks him to join his band. He does, and through an accidental gimmick that gets posted online, the band gets signed. They go on tour, and the drummer tries to live the decadent 80's metal band touring stereotype, but finds out he is just too old and his body can't take that kind of a pounding anymore. The band gets selected to open for none other than the drummer's first band, and winds up upstaging them.

There are lots of real moments in this movie. Particularly when the drummer gets screwed when the band gets signed. That happens more often than you might think. The record company doesn't like one band member in particular, and wants him replaced. That's what happened with Pete Best and The Beatles. In fact, Pete makes a cameo in the movie as himself. Everything in the movie either does happen, or could happen...except for an emo/alternative band being selected to open for a metal band, then upstaging them. That would never happen, but a new metal band could and has upstaged a veteran band. Happens alot in fact. It needs to be said that if this movie had featured a metal band instead of the alternative band, it would be number 2. But the fact that it is still in the list despite the glaring bit of non reality says alot about this movie.

#4 Airheads Proof that a good gimmick will get you anywhere. A local LA rock band can't get any airplay, or noticed by any record company, so using fake guns, they hijack a radio station. But the reason they can't get noticed is because they really aren't that good. After a standoff with the police that becomes national news, they finally surrender, but while they are in prison, they preform and release a live album that becomes a super hit.

The radio station's DJ is excellent in this movie. This has never happened before, but if it were to happen, the band would likely get signed just because of the stunt. It should be noted that the program director in this movie who is about as un metal as you can get is also the star of our number one movie. (no skipping ahead if you don't know!)

#3 Eddie and the Cruisers and sequel, Eddie Lives The first one tells the story of a band who tore up the charts with their first album, but when they wanted to release their second album, the singer wanted to go in a completely different direction with a strange concept album. It shows it from the perspective of a reporter who picks up the story after the singer disappears. It shows the story as told by the surviving band members, who don't know what happened to Eddie, or where the studio recordings of the

second album are.

Eddie Lives is about a construction worker who decides to join a band as a singer. They work their way through the clubs, and wind up opening a large festival, where the singer reveals that he is in fact Eddie Wilson.

Both movies are VERY good, and do a very good job of showing the internal relationships of a band. These movies may very well be the most 'real' movies on the list.

#2 Get Him To the Greek A very funny movie, yet pretty damn accurate. A struggling record company do

boy gets assigned to pick up a washed up British rock legend, who the record company wants to play a show at the Greek Theater in LA to commemorate the 10 year anniversary of his iconic performance there. What could go wrong?

Alot. This washed up British rock legend still has a very active drug habit, and this trip from London to New York to LA winds up taking lots of detours, and hilarity ensues. The writers of this movie (and frankly all of the movies on the list) have inside knowledge of just how crazy it can be when you're on the road with a rich, spoiled, selfish rock star. It even created its own buzz word and phrase. (When life slips you a Jeffery, you stroke the furry wall)

And, the Number 1 Fictional Rock Band Movie is:

Drummers are an endangered species in this movie.

You got it. This Is Spinal Tap!!!

The movie that coined the phrase 'Rockumentary.' The movie that launched MANY buzz words that turned out to be timeless like 'Turn it up to 11' and 'HELLO Cleveland!' Their all black album cover even inspired Metallica to do the same. Not to mention when any rock/metal band local or pro has a show or incident where something crazy happens, it is always referred to as a 'Spinal Tap Moment.'

This is the story of a British metal band at the ends of their career, and they decide to do one final tour in the US to go out with a bang...Although, it didn't happen that way. Instead, we see a hilarious and super realistic depiction of a band trying desperately to keep momentum going for the tour, but they can't stay out of their own way.

Every rock/metal musician has seen this movie many times. The movie is a classic, and its even finding its way into the Blu Ray players and online streams of a new generation of musicians. This movie will still be talked about and shown long after the stars of the movie are dead and gone. This is why it is the number one, and it will never be topped. Any rock band related film that comes out now is measured against Spinal Tap and they all come up short.

Look at the number dials from this major pizza chain's 'Hair Metal Tracker.'
They go up to 11!

But this is more than just a movie. They have recorded albums and toured. They were not lip synching on the live shots of the movie. Those performances were recorded live. Plus, they toured in the 90s, and yours truly was one of the lucky ones who got to see them in concert. To this day, its one of the best concerts I've ever been to. A friend who was also there said being at that show was just as big as it would be to see the original lineup of Led Zeppelin in concert. I agree.

So, there you have it! This is my top 5. Did I miss a movie? Do you disagree with any? Should I have made this a top 10 list instead? Or maybe a top 11? Let me know!

Thanks for reading! I love you all! GOOD NIGHT!!!