Movie Review: Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark

Really. Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark. That's the latest mega___vs___ movie that Asylum Films has come up with. And, normally, I wouldn't be reviewing one of these movies, because its accepted that they are cheesy, cheaply made, and lots of times, flat out ridiculous. But, they are usually entertaining. For example, in Sharknado, there is a scene where a shark swirling around in a tornado eats a man who is also caught in the tornado in one bite. It swallows him whole. That's funny! Don't even try to say that it isn't.

But, this movie fails miserably on many levels. I was expecting something similar to MechaGodzilla, which is undoubtedly where the inspiration came from, but there is no similarity to any of the Godzilla movies, with the exception of why the 'mecha' was built in the first place. But, that's where any similarity ends.

SPOILERS!!!

Indeed!

Basically, a Megalodon shark (40 to 60 feet long in real life) survived all these years, and TWO prior Mega Shark vs ___ movies, and awakened in present day time, and begins wreaking havoc. So, the government constructs a huge mechanical shark to combat it. Both, over 200 feet long. So, enter Christopher Judge, (Teal'c from the Stargate SG1 series) his wife, Rosie, and a computer that has its own personality, and is quite the flirt apparently. Rosie pilots Mecha Shark to do battle with the Megalodon. And, that's where this movie starts its downhill plunge...and we're only 5 minutes into the film at this point.

Incompetence, thy name is
ROSIE!

As I mentioned, these movies are by definition cheesy, but the writers of this one were just plain lazy. For example, Mecha Shark is basically just a submarine that looks like a shark, but it was built to fight the shark. In fact, a sub was destroyed by the shark because all it did was launch torpedoes at it. (remember that) Yet Mecha Shark doesn't fight the shark. All it does is launch torpedoes at it, and when Mega actually does attack it, Mega wins hands down. So, Mecha seems to be a waste of time and resources. The only thing worse than the concept of Mecha was Rosie's ability to pilot it. She misses constantly with the torpedoes, but manages to sink a US battleship instead. (Yes, I said battleship.) She also manages to get the Mecha pinned at the bottom of a trench, where the talking computer does something that magically blasts the rocks away in a matter of seconds.

DUH!

So, those issues I listed are bad enough, but they don't even scratch the surface. Mega leaps out of the water, and destroys an aircraft carrier, and several other Navy ships. And, an oil rig, which causes a spill like the one in 2010 in the Gulf of Mexico. The one redeeming thing that Rosie does is to use Mecha to kink the pipe to stop the leak..as laughable is that is. But, we haven't gotten to the most ridiculous parts yet. The shark is trying to get to Sydney Australia to find a mate, as explained by Doctor Debbie Gibson, who reprises her role as Doctor Emma McNeil. Basically, the good doctor says that if the shark gets there, and doesn't find a mate, its going to become very aggressive. Didn't she say that in the first film? Anyway, lets see...At this point, it has killed thousands of people, destroyed multiple ships, including an aircraft carrier, and an oil rig. How much MORE aggressive could it get?

Once it gets to Sydney, it gets even worse. The military begins evacuating the entire city. Why? I'm not sure, but later, it becomes a good idea. Mega grabs Mecha and flings it a mile onto land. Guess it was a good idea to evacuate, but they had NO idea that was going to happen. Now, comes the part where the movie jumps the shark. (See what I did there?) Mecha is lying on its side, when all of a sudden, it sprouts tank tracks, and flips itself over, and begins rolling through the city. Mecha has gone rogue! It begins its trek of terror through the city, when Professor Debbie comes up with another great idea. Get Mecha back to the water and let Mega take it out. They work on that idea for a few minutes, when Judge has a brainstorm. The aircraft carrier was attacked because it was emitting frequencies which "pissed mega off." So, they board Mecha, and get it to emit those same frequencies. Mecha still has one torpedo left, and they decide to get Mega to attract Mecha and then have the torpedo detonate. Finally, Judge finds a motorcycle, and gets Mecha's attention and leads it back to the water, (after doing a huge jump that propelled him a good 5 stories into the air, and lands perfectly) But, disaster strikes. Military F22s show up, and blast Mecha with ONE missile which knocks the 200 foot, and who knows how many ton Mecha 50 feet into the air, and over 200 yards through the air, and into the water. That was lucky, right?

I'm leaving on a shark plane....

Mecha, still emitting those frequencies attracts Mega. We see none of this, but it happens. Mega bites Mecha apparently right on the location of the torpedo tube, and detonates the torpedo. We hear a loud explosion, and in the trademark ending of these movies, blood and guts splatter all over everything. The End.

Rehash.

So, torpedoes don't work on Mega if fired by a submarine, which is why they had to build Mecha, in order to fight it, which it doesn't, until the end of the movie, where Mega whips its ass. But, torpedoes don't work, unless they are bitten. Lucky Mega just happened to find the right place to bite a 6 foot long torpedo, on a 200 foot mechanical shark!

Like I said, I usually like these movies, but this one was so bad that it makes me think it may be time to hang up the entire Mega___vs___ format. This one was beyond bad. The writers didn't even try on this one. There is a scene where the shark jumps a mile up to try to snag a jet from the sky, but Mecha

also jumps up, and knocks it away. Quite a few scenes seemed like a rehash of several other films. In fact, the movie poster is even a rehash of the second film in Asylum's series, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus.  The first movie of course was Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.

Do yourself a favor and avoid this one, even if you are a fan of these movies. The first two were really enjoyable. Cheesy, but fun and enjoyable. But, I honestly felt insulted after watching it. Did Asylum really think that nobody would notice all the rehash from other films??? There is a difference between making these bad, yet enjoyable films, and what they did with Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark. If you can't come up with something original, or at very least entertaining, you should probably quit.

One word to the SyFy Channel, since they will likely be showing this movie very soon...If you need something new, contact me. I have something that not only YOU will like, but the sci fi fans will like too. Its been a while since the network has had a good sci fi series, hasn't it?

A Bad Movie You Gotta See: Rock N Roll Nightmare

This is a movie that is just so bad that you just have to see it. Rock N roll Nightmare is an obscure cult classic that has a certain appeal, and falls into an 'Awesomely Horrible' category.

Keep in mind, this is not a hatchet piece. Also, keep in mind while reading that while it is a bad movie, I did joy it enough to recommend it to everyone. So, here we go:

Released in 1987, Rock N Roll Nightmare, also known as The Edge of Hell is a campy, straight to video Canadian movie, starring Jon Mikl Thor, a Canadian pro bodybuilder/ cult heavy metal singer. 

SPOILERS!!!

The movie starts out in a house with a family getting ready for their day. Suddenly, the mother is murdered by some creature that comes out of the oven. The little son is traumatized. Although, we don't see the attack, or whatever happens to her. 

Next, we see Jon Mikl Thor, aka John Triton: Singer of the heavy metal band, Triton in a van, on his way to the house. Seems Triton has rented the house for 5 weeks to record their new album in privacy and seclusion...But, they brought girlfriends, and one of the members who had just gotten married brought his new wife. In fact, the wife said she can't think of a better honeymoon than spending 5 weeks with the band....What the??? Anyone who is married knows that if you suggested 5 weeks with your buddies as your honeymoon, your wife would be seeking an annulment the same day. Anyway, back to the van. It must have driven from Orlando to Ontario because the scene was long enough to make that drive.

Are we there yet??

The band pulls up to the house, and starts unloading. Jon Triton tells everyone to get settled in, and they would rehearse in 2 hours. Note that when they arrived, they were wearing every day clothes, yet when they begin rehearsing, they are wearing clothes like you'd expect to see them on stage wearing. Most band members I know of don't wear gig clothes while practicing. They dress for comfort because the practice space is either blazing hot or ice cold. Yet, we see Triton dressed up like they were opening for Bon Jovi, and Jon Triton looks like David Lee Roth on steroids. And, we get to hear their next hit, ' We Live to Rock' in its entirety...although, during the song, the music becomes distorted as if to signal that something bad was about to happen, then gets back to normal. Then, we see the first sign of trouble...A cyclops looking oven mitt like thing that is clearly a hand puppet sneaks up to the band's manager's drink, and hocks something invisible into it. The manager doesn't notice. He drinks it, and goes about his business. 

I resent the oven mitt strerotype.
Its hurtful. We do NOT look like
oven mitts.

The band finishes their song, and the drummer breaks a drumstick, and starts complaining that he doesn't have any more. What kind of drummer doesn't have backup drumsticks?

Next, we have to assume that one of the little monsters got one of the girlfriends too because she heads off the manager, and starts to seduce him, and we get the first boobie shot of the movie. The manager caves in, and they start making out. Then, the girl turns into a monster and we are led to believe that she eats him. Although, when they notice he is gone, they assume that he went into town to get more drumsticks...at midnight.

Gimme some sugar, baby!

In bed at midnight? And you call yourselves
Rock n Roll??

Then, in true rock and roll fashion, the band and girlfriends all go night night. I'm sure some Rock N Royalty would have something to say about that. But, there to preserve the band's reputation, a carload of groupies show up at 2AM. The only one awake is the possessed manager who we assumed was dead. He lets them in, and starts rambling on about how they need to do their duties and show the boobies. The groupies run off. This movie does no favors to preserving the continuity of the legendary and infamous debauchery of bands like Kiss, etc. Why do I keep including Kiss in this review? This is why. But, Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park is not even in the awesomely horrible category. Its just horrible.

The next day, most of the band and girlfriends are possessed. All but Triton, the female keyboardist, guitarist, and two of the girlfriends. His and the drummer's. The drummer and his girlfriend go outside, and start getting it on. She takes her top off, and the drummer starts to strip too. All of a sudden, a hand comes out of his stomach, and grabs the girl's boob. She starts screaming, and Triton's girlfriend hears it, and Triton laughs it off as just sexual noises.

I never knew Mark Hamill was in an
Exorcist spinoff!

 This happens while we see the female keyboard player and the guitarist  in a 5 minute sex scene with no nudity at all. Then, we see Triton and his  girlfriend in a 3 minute shower scene with nudity including the required  ass shot of body builder, Mikl Thor. Then, we see the keyboard and  guitar players getting dressed, when all of a sudden, the kid from the  beginning of the film sticks his head in, and leads them out into the barn.  The guitarist and keyboardist go to follow him, and the kid becomes a  monster and kills them. Then, its back to the shower scene for another  minute or two!

By that time, the singer and his girlfriend are the only ones left. They go out into the barn, and Triton concludes that the rest of the crew must have gone into town for the day since they put all the equipment away. So, Triton and his -Wait...WHAT???? The equipment got put away? The band members didn't put it away. They were too busy getting killed! So, the monster must have put all the equipment away after killing everyone. How nice of him!

And now for...The TWIST!!!!

We find out that Triton is not a man. He is an archangel sent to defeat Satan in an epic battle, and that none of the people who were killed or possessed were actually there. They were all illusions that Triton created to lure out Satan. In fact, Satan somehow possessed the illusion of Triton's girlfriend. Triton was wearing more stage clothes because he had just finished jamming with the band and demonic doubles of people who were never there to begin with. It did happen. They played Energy.

But then, Satan himself shows up and Triton

magically changes clothes..He is wearing nothing other than black underwear with chrome studs, boots, and lots of hairspray, body oil, and makeup that just magically appears on him...Oh..He has a cape too.

Doesn't the little monster thing with the gray hair kind of look like Bill Clinton?

Of course, we all knew that Since Mikl Thor is a pro bodybuilder, a show off scene was inevitable. But, we just had no idea how scary it would be. And, Satan looks like a prop you might find at one of those Halloween spirit stores that open up in October. And, it fights like one too. First, it throws a couple Quadopi (octopus with 4 tentacles?) at him and he struggles with them in a flex fest. Finally, he dispatches them, and moves on to Satan, where they have an epic game of push and shove. Triton finally flexes out a victory, and the world is safe from Beelzeprop. Next, we see a suburban neighborhood, and the movie ends.

....or does it?

what do you mean I'm a prop???

While writing this review, I learned that in 2005, Jon Mikl Thor made a sequel to this movie! Intercessor: Another Rock N Roll Nightmare Maybe I'll watch it and review it sometime next year.

You know....The twist kind of brought a question to mind...If everything there was a made up illusion, what was Triton doing during the shower scenes? UGH!!!

You gotta see this movie. Like I said, it was horribly awesome, and lots of cornball campy fun. I imagine it would be even better with some beer and buddies. I give this movie 4 out of 5 cornballs, which is a very good rating for a bad movie! So, Netflix it, order it, buy it or rent it! Here's a link to the high definition DVD release. So, get it, and enjoy!!!

I'm Bill Clinton, and I recommend this movie. Even though my cameo
was very brief, and I didn't get to have sex in it, the movie still kicks ass.