Song Lyric Dissection: Rock Star by Nickelback

Why this song and Why now? For one, Nickelback sucks! Why else? Because earlier today, I was sitting at a red light, and these 2 dolts drove up next to me, and they were both screaming this song at the top of their lungs...and no music was playing on their stereo.

I've got the ol' rusty scalpel out, and I cut at a piece of wood with it, so now its not only rusty, its dull too. So, here we go!

Verse: I'm through with standin' in lines to clubs I'll never get in

It's like the bottom of the ninth and I'm never gonna win

This life hasn't turned out

Quite the way I want it to be

(Tell me what you want)

First of all, this song is ridiculous because the band already are 'Rock stars' and it wasn't on their first album, so they didn't write it when they were a local band. So, you could take this song as a wish list for the band because the things they list here will NEVER happen. And of course, Nickleback has a conversation going on in their song. I'll tell you what I want, Nickelback. I want you guys to either disappear, or learn to write songs that don't sound the same, and don't degrade women and encourage drug use. Not holding my breath on either of those though.

Verse: I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs

And a bathroom I can play baseball in

And a king size tub

Big enough for ten plus me

(Yeah, so what you need?)

As we learned in the Ruben Studdard dissection, it isn't a good idea to date your songs. Nickelback has dated this song, because the TV show Cribs won't be around forever. Do you think that if Lynrd Skynrd had mentioned 'Match Game' while writing Free Bird, the song would have become the legendary timeless anthem that it is? Uhhh...no. But, don't worry. NO song from Nickelback will ever be considered legendary. So, what does Nickelback need?

Verse: I need a a credit card that's got no limit

And a big black jet with a bedroom in it

Gonna join the mile high club

At thirty-seven thousand feet

(Been there, done that)

As for the credit card with no limit, I suggest that Nickelback google 'MC Hammer' and read up on what happened to him. He had a credit card with no limit. And, you don't need a private jet to join the mile high club. If you had any balls, you'd do it in the bathroom of a commercial jet. Many people have done this. Don't think that the mile high club makes a rock star any more special than anyone else.

Yo Nickelback...Write this website down!

Verse: I want a new tour bus full of old guitars

My own star on Hollywood Boulevard

Somewhere between Cher

And James Dean is fine for me

(So how you gonna do it?)

Why do you need a bunch of old guitars? You don't even know how to play anything new on the ones you already have! And, don't hold your breath on that Hollywood star. They don't give those out for splash in the pan perv rockers like you. So, how DO you intend to do it?

Verse: I'm gonna trade this life

For fortune and fame

I'd even cut my hair

And change my name

If that's all it took, then maybe some of the talented local bands who will never be discovered could have been discovered, and today's music wouldn't be in the sad shape that its in...and don't most people GROW their hair when they join bands?

Chorus: 'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars

And live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars

The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap

We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat

You obviously didn't look up MC Hammer like I suggested. The hilltop house and 15 cars are nice, but you gotta pay for that stuff. What happens when people get tired of your crappy songs, and your label drops you? Just get in touch with Hammer. Just trying to help you out, Nickelback. And, you can have all the cheap and easy girls. Its quality, not quanity. And, sure. Starve yourself if you want to look like Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons.

Chorus: And we'll hang out in the coolest bars

In the VIP with the movie stars

Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there

Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair

There you go. That's who you asked for in your other song. She's here!

You know, my definition of a cool bar and yours are very different. I don't want to hang out with the snotty celebrities who fart in their own hands and smell it. And, at least Playboy bunnies are honest about who they are. You guys try (key word here is TRY) to write deep and sweet songs to disguise all the other vulgarity you guys write.

Chorus: And well, hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

Yes, Nickelback...We know you are a wannabe rockstar.

Verse: I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels

Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes

Sign a couple autographs

So I can eat my meals for free

(I'll have the quesadilla, ha, ha)

You will NEVER be great like Elvis. Know why? Elvis wrote great and timeless songs that didn't sound the same. When you die, there will never be any people saying that you aren't dead. No Nickelback sightings, unless someone dresses as you for Halloween at a dead loser themed costume party. And, there are no business owners that would give YOU a free meal for your autograph. I don't even know one of Nickelback's band member's names....Wait...Didn't you say earlier that you weren't going to eat???

Verse: I'm gonna dress my ass with the latest fashion

Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion

Gonna date a centerfold that loves

To blow my money for me

(So how you gonna do it?)

Go right ahead and make yourself look like a damn fool. Why does Hollywood come up with the most ridiculous looking outfits, and label it 'Fashion?' And I'm sorry, but you're never going to get a key to Uncle Hugh's mansion. And, I doubt a centerfold would date you without a blood test done first. 

Verse: I'm gonna trade this life

For fortune and fame

I'd even cut my hair

And change my name

And, you didn't answer how you were going to do it before. I was paying attention. You just said the same thing over again.

Chorus: 'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars

And live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars

The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap

We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat

And we'll hang out in the coolest bars

In the VIP with the movie stars

Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there

Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair

Chorus: And we'll hide out in the private rooms

With the latest dictionary of today's who's who

They'll get you anything with that evil smile

Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial

I don't think you meant this.

You haven't seen a dictionary in years. In fact, I bet that's what the hell is on Joey's head in those photographs that you were looking through in that other gay song of yours. Know what? I bet that 'dictionary of today's who's who' is a code word for People Magazine or something equally lame. You have to disguise it because you know that if a man is caught reading those girlie magazines, its a man card punch. And, I bet your drug dealer is pissed at you. Cause if the cops ever get a hold of your phone, they are BUSTED!

Well, hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

Verse: I'm gonna sing those songs that offend the censors

Gonna pop my pills from a Pez dispenser

Get washed-up singers writin' all my songs

Lipsynk 'em every night so I don't get 'em wrong

Girl you know its true...Ooh ooh ooh...Nickelback sucks!

You know, your songs don't offend me as much as I pity you. You're in your 40's or 50's singing juvenile lyrics like teenage and early twenty something rap acts do. And you're also stating part of the problem with today's music. No one writes their own songs anymore, so you have record executives with a monopoly over what is released, and deciding what is good. If people wrote their own songs, then it would be the ARTISTS that decided what is good. And last time I checked, getting caught lip synching was a bad thing. Ask Milli Vanilli or Ashlee Simpson. You admitting to it is a slap in the face to your fans.

Chorus: Well, we all just wanna be big rockstars

And live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars

The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap

We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat

And we'll hang out in the coolest bars

In the VIP with the movie stars

Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there

Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair

And we'll hide out in the private rooms

With the latest dictionary of today's who's who

They'll get you anything with that evil smile

Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial

Well, hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

Movie Autopsy: Rock Star

I was talking with some friends last night, about the movie Rock Star, starring Mark Wahlberg, and several musicians that I respect as musicians. As actors? Not so much. They are Zakk Wylde, Jeff Pilson, and Jason Bonham. But, here we go. I'm calling this an autopsy because Rock Star is about as dead as it gets, and we need to figure out what caused the movie to die. Basically, the premise is this: A singer of a tribute band replaces the singer of the band that he idolizes. But, a couple of my friends did not understand why I hate that movie so much. I explained, and they understood, but I'm going to go into detail here.

This post contains spoilers. Lots of them.

Judas Priest with Rob Halford

We'll start at the beginning. That movie was originally supposed to be called 'Metal Gods.' And of course, every metalhead knows that 'Metal Gods' is the name of a Judas Priest song. The movie was supposed to be the story of Tim 'Ripper' Owens, who replaced Rob Halford in Judas Priest. Ripper was in a Judas Priest tribute band in Ohio, and he was discovered, and flown to England to audition after the band found out about him. I was excited to see that movie, UNTIL (Dum dum DUMMMM) Hollywood had to fluff the story with a sappy love story, and include things that never happened in the story. Priest told Hollywood that if they wanted to tell Ripper's story then they could do it, but if they wanted to make a sappy chick, then they could stuff it.

Judas Priest with Ripper Owens

Rather than dump an entire script, the producers made changes to it that made it into a movie that was 'loosely based' on Ripper Owens and Judas Priest. It was 'loosely' all right. About the only thing that even resembled Ripper's story was the premise that a tribute band singer becomes the singer for the band he idolizes. However, if you watch the movie, and pay attention, you will see that Rock Star is more than that. Of course, its the general premise, and of course a sappy love story, but the movie is also loaded with subtle jabs at Ripper Owens and Judas Priest. THAT is what we are going to cover in this post. We will also be separating fact from fiction.

Chris Cole in his bedroom, making sure he looks exactly
like his life sized Bobby Beers card board cutout

First of all, the way that Chris Cole (Wahlberg's charater) was portrayed is an obvious jab. He is a grown man who lives with his parents, and is so obsessed with Steel Dragon (the legendary band in the film) that he dresses just like Bobby Beers, (Dragon's singer) and emulates every single thing (well MOST every single thing) that Beers does in his personal life, even down to getting his nipple pierced just because Beers did it. The tribute band is Cole's only band, and he would never dream of playing anything other than Dragon tunes. He also doesn't know how to write original material.

In real life, Ripper Owens was in TWO bands. He had a band that played original songs, that he also helped write. The tribute band was a side project that opened for his other band from time to time, and played parties. Sure, Rob Halford is Ripper's favorite singer, but Ripper did not worship him like a little teenage fangirl.

Steel Dragon with Bobby Beers

Steel Dragon, as I mentioned before was the legendary metal band. The opening scenes show Cole and his friends getting ready to go see them in concert. When they get to the arena where the show is taking place, people are protesting them with signs that say 'Steel Dragon Is Satan' and things like that. Now, that happened to Judas Priest a lot. But, it would never happen with Steel Dragon. Why? Because Priest is a dark heavy metal band that uses dark minor chords, and scary lyrical content. Dragon is a glam band. You never saw people protesting Ratt because they sang about girls and partying. Same as Steel Dragon.  And, using Ratt as a comparison is appropriate because a Dragon member himself compared Dragon to Ratt later in the movie.

After the Dragon concert, Cole and his band members encountered ANOTHER Steel Dragon tribute band in the parking lot. They are advertising their show, and taking the flyers off cars that Cole's band had placed there. It then becomes 'ON' as the 2 bands appear to get into a rumble. However, since both bands are dressed just like the Dragon members they are mimicking, they start bickering about the embroidery, and when they start shoving, they are more concerned about tearing their costumes than winning a fight. Sure, this is another jab at Ripper and his tribute band, but TWO tribute bands in one city? Not likely.

I call this scene 'Attack of the Clones'

Next, we have Cole's tribute band concert. There is a crowd of at least 1500 (all of which were probably at the real band's concert just a few days before) people at a steel plant. Not a club. Its cool, but it would never happen. The band's guitarist starts adding his own touch to a Dragon song, and Cole flips out, and they fight on stage in front of everyone. He is in turn, kicked out of the band. He is bummed and depressed, but all of a sudden, the phone rings. Guess what?? Its none other than Curt Cuddy, Dragon's guitarist. At first, Cole doesn't believe its really him, so he screens him, asking what he called his third wife. After Cuddy passes Cole's test, Cole goes into fangirl mode, saying how sorry he was to hear about the death of his dog, and how he sent flowers and a card. Another jab at Ripper. Cuddy asks him to come out to LA because he heard a tape of him singing the Dragon tunes perfectly. He agrees, and he and his girlfriend, Emily fly out to LA. Once they arrive in LA, we find out that Cuddy got the tape from 2 groupies who had filmed Cole's concert, and then came on the road with Dragon.

How Chris Cole became Dragon's singer

In real life, Ripper's tribute band was playing a show, and Judas Priest drummer, Scott Travis was there. He was so impressed with Ripper that he spoke to the band about him, and had a member of management contact him. He was invited to London to audition for Priest. After the phone conversation, Ripper looked for the management person's name on his copy of Painkiller. Ripper went, and the audition scene in the movie is pretty much spot on accurate. They both started singing a song, and the song was stopped after a few lines. They had heard enough on the tape, (or concert in Ripper's case) and just needed to verify that it was really his voice. They were both offered the job on the spot. That's about the only accurate part of the movie, and it only lasts a matter of seconds.

Next, we find out that Bobby Beers is being kicked out of the band because he is gay, among other reasons. Cole is devastated. In reality, everybody knew about Rob Halford's sexuality, and nobody cared when he came out of the closet. Looking back, I'm not sure how anybody could have missed the fact, but regardless, Priest did not lose one fan because of it. Not to mention the fact that Halford left on his own because he wanted to release solo albums, and was already gone long before Scott Travis saw Ripper in concert. But, Hollywood wanted Halford kicked out because he was gay.

Steel Dragon with Chris Cole

The next portion of the movie is Steel Dragon touring, partying, getting laid, etc. Cole is trying to be good and faithful to his girlfriend, Emily, but when she decides to go to Seattle to start a business, and Cole is by himself on the road, he becomes a party animal. Dragon plays a show in Seattle, and his girlfriend goes to see him, but catches him wasted, and zipping up his pants. She leaves him. He gets bummed for a few minutes, but the final straw comes after the break when the band gets back together to record the next album. Cole has written a few songs, and Cuddy tells him to forget it. He doesn't even want to hear Cole's songs. So, they record the album, and Cole is demoralized. At a concert, he just walks off stage, and hands the mic to a Chris Cole clone who knows all of Cole's moves to finish the concert. Then, we see interviews with the band, and they are angry, but not worried about the future.

Next, we see Cole in Seattle. Grunge has arrived, and Cole has cut his hair, and is wearing gray sweaters. His old guitarist has moved to Seattle, and the 2 meet up again, and decide to start a grunge band, playing all original songs. They are playing a show at a small coffee house, and Emily shows up. The 2 reunite with a passionate kiss as the band plays on. <gag>

Next, as the credits roll, they take a shot at Rob Halford. They show Bobby Beers being interviewed, and he has cut his hair, and is downing heavy metal. He has now joined Riverdance, and will never go back to Steel Dragon. What did this Hollywood producer have against Rob Halford? 

In real life, Tim 'Ripper' Owens recorded TWO albums with Priest, and even co wrote one song on the second album. He did not quit and storm off the stage. The band and Halford decided to reunite, and Ripper and Priest parted ways on good terms, and are still good friends. Ripper did NOT start an emo grunge band. He became the singer of Iced Earth, and recorded two amazing albums with them, then sang with Yngwie Malmsteen, and did a tour with Dio's Disciples. He did this all while still recording with his ORIGINAL band in Ohio, and opening a club that national touring bands frequent.
2020 UPDATE: Ripper is joining KK Downing's band, KK's Priest.

So, now that you know all this, what do you think of that stupid movie now? Surely, the producer could have made a movie without all the childish jabs right? You would think so, but there are some real childish people out there. And, don't call me Shirley. Be sure to let me know what you think in the comments.

When Rob Halford was on That Metal Show, he gave his own movie review. It was a nice 2 word review, reminiscent of the review of the Shark Sandwich album by Spinal Tap. They did a 'Q&A With the Metal God' segment, where the audience members were able to ask questions of him. One guy asked him what he thought of Rock Star. Rob's reply: "It sucked."

Rock Star? It sucked.

Now, there you have it. Rock Star sucked. Why?
Nevermind all the reasons I listed. It sucked because The Metal God himself said so.