I Did It! I'm a Nonsmoker!

In July, I smoked my last cigarette. I smoked for 25 years, and it was getting to the point that it hurt just to breathe. Not to mention if I had to run, or climb a flight of stairs. So, in July, I decided that the pack I had would be my last. I had already found a brand of Ecigs that worked for me, so I was ready to go. I remember the last cigarette on the pack, as I was smoking it, I got disgusted with myself, and threw it out less than halfway through it.

I had tried to quit smoking cold turkey once before. In 2007, I made it through the first week. The physical cravings and sleepless nights were over, as well as the coughing fits that go hand in hand with the first week of quitting. I was halfway through the first two weeks, which are the hardest. But, then, some friends came and dragged me to a bar. I figured I would be ok without cigarettes. OOPS! Bummer, dude! I bought a pack about an hour after drinking my first drink, and it was like I had never tried to quit.

Now, as I mentioned, in July I smoked my last cigarette, and switched to Ecigs. I had tried several different brands with little or no success until I found the Mistic brand. The reason for that brand's success vs other brands failure is the nicotine content. Mistic has 2.4% nicotine. The other brands I tried have 1.6 to 1.8% nicotine, and they did nothing for me. They did not help me when I first woke up, or after a meal. The ultimate test of an Ecig is whether or not you can get through a night of drinking without needing a smoke. The other brands? Not even close. Mistic? YEP! They worked for me through every 'test.' So, when I smoked my last cigarette, I was able to switch immediately to Mistics.

You know, I really should bill them for this.

As I used Mistics, I noticed several things...I felt better, I had more energy and stamina...I could run up a flight of stairs without feeling like I was dying. The pain in breathing went away rather quickly, which led me to believe that it isn't the nicotine in cigarettes that is so harmful. It is all the other garbage that kills you. And, you know what? You are addicted to all that other garbage as well. When I tried to quit smoking in 2007, it was excruciatingly painful, yet the first week or two with only Ecigs, it was mildly uncomfortable as the toxins were expelled from my body. After that, I was fine.

It should be noted that one Ecig is equal to a pack and a half to two packs of cigarettes. One single use Mistic is about $6.00. That right there is about $2.00 less than a pack of cigarettes these days. More than that, depending on where you are in the country. A 5 pack of refill cartridges which is essentially a carton of cigarettes costs between $13 and $16. A carton of real cigarettes costs anywhere from $45 to $60 these days. You can also get a 10 pack of Mistic cartridges for $20..TWO cartons of cigarettes for $20. Do the math. Imagine how much money you'll save, just by switching to Ecigs. Even more than by switching your car insurance to that Gecko brand.

Now, lets fast forward to about 4 weeks ago, the end of October. I decided it was time to abandon the Ecigs and save money, and be done with nicotine for good.  Like I did with cigarettes, I smoked my last one, and was done with it. The first week was kind of rough, and the second week started a little bit worse, but got better toward the middle part of the second week. By the end of the second week, I was fine, and ready to do the ultimate test...which as I mentioned before is a night of drinking. I went out to a bar last weekend, and drank, and was around smokers. Did I WANT a cigarette or Ecig as I drank? You bet. But, I never got the craving and withdrawal pains for it. I am likely going to WANT one for a long time. But, that is alot different than NEEDING one. I WANT a man cave decked out with an 80" TV, beer tap and frige, bar, dart board, pool table, and Karen Gillan as a bartender, but I don't NEED all that.

Would you like a beer?

So, in a nutshell, this is how you quit smoking. Step one, find an Ecig brand that works for you. Step 2, switch completely to the Ecigs for a few months. Step 3, Quit the Ecigs. If it worked for this 25 year smoker who did not want to quit until he started noticing bad physical things as a result, it can work for you too. And, the good news is that after 10  to 15 years or so, your lungs will completely rejuvenate themselves.

Now, we've established the good of Ecigs, I have something else I have to address. I found a story saying that Philip Morris has decided to start selling Ecigs. You read the story, and once you get to the comments, you'll see the usual suspects crying out for the government to regulate Ecigs. They are the Fun Police. These people are the same people crying out for gun control, and bans on soda, and on anything that tastes good or is fun. These people believe that the citizens are nothing but subjects of the government. Because they are so squeaky clean, I would bet that these idiots never smoked a day in their lives. They are saying that Ecigs are just as bad for you as cigarettes. They are also saying that I don't exist. They say that nobody ever quit smoking after using Ecigs. They are also saying that people who switch to Ecigs are doing even more damage to their lungs. If you read my testimony, how can you assume that my lungs were getting further damage?

These people need to be stopped. These people want EVERYTHING regulated. They want the tobacco companies to be tried, convicted as murderers and executed for falsely claiming that cigarettes aren't harmful. EVERYBODY who smokes knows its harmful. Tobacco companies have as much of a right to be here as any other company. Nobody forces anyone to smoke. Yet, name another industry that is forced by law to tell people NOT to buy their product?

The truth of the matter is that nicotine by itself is no more harmful than caffeine. Caffeine is not regulated, nor should it be. But, you can bet that if these morons get Ecigs regulated, they will go after caffeine next.

And, before I wrap this up, let me ask you this one question...When something like tobacco or alcohol is regulated, where does all that tax money go to? It goes RIGHT into the government's hands, and if you think they donate it to doctors to come up with lung cancer or addiction treatments, then I have a lake house on the moon I'd like to sell you. So, the people screaming for regulations are either ignorant pawns of the government or the government itself...Or both. You decide.

The bottom line here is that Ecigs are harmless to everyone. Harmless to the smoker using them, and harmless to those around them. If you want to quit smoking, take my story and give it a shot. Don't listen to these anti everything nitwits who have never smoked, but just want to control everyone's lives. They don't know what they are talking about. I do because I experienced it.

So, good luck...And while you are on Ecigs do yourself a favor and walk into a Starbucks while puffing on one. THAT is some real entertainment. And, by the way...All you nonsmokers who think you are above smokers, and think it is appropriate to come up and hack at smokers who are outside...Get a life. Whenever one of these goody two shoes did that to me, I would take a HUGE drag, and blow the smoke in their face. And, another thing..And this is the most important thing. I did not quit smoking so that I could be in the good graces of these holier than thou nonsmokers. I did it for ME, and I would rather be in a room full of smokers than to be around even ONE of those jerks. Now, I'm not talking about all nonsmokers. Just the ones who think that their purpose in life is to make smokers miserable. I like nonsmokers, as I am one now. But, you will NEVER see me be rude to a smoker.

Translation: We don't want 30% of
our customers anymore.

Now, as I climb down off my soap box, let me just say once again, Good luck in quitting smoking. If I can do it, anyone can!

Doctor Who...50th Anniversary!

EVEN IF YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW, READ THIS POST!!!

I admit, I am a new fan of Doctor Who. I have always known OF the show, but I never watched it until earlier this year. Basically, let me give you a summary of my science fiction fandom. Its really simple. I am a Trekkie. Always have been since the time of the first and second Trek films. I had seen all of the original series episodes LONG before Star Trek: The Next Generation came out. I am also a fan of Star Wars. I saw every single movie in the theaters. I also saw the original Battlestar Galactica when it came out, although I didn't remember much about it before I rewatched it in 2011. So, the original BSG, and all of the Trek series. That's pretty much all I'd seen as far as sci fi. I had also seen lots of random sci fi movies, but we are talking about television...wait. I had seen all of the original V series as well.

But, lets rewind to the beginning of 2011. I was living in Chattanooga, TN at the time. The city got hit pretty badly by tornadoes, and our satellite dish was destroyed. It was going to take a while for it to get fixed, so I went to the local video store, looking for a TV series to rent. I came across the 2004 remake of Battlestar Galactica, and started watching it. I was instantly hooked, and wound up going back that same day to rent the next couple discs. I didn't even care that our TV was back on. I didn't watch anything until I was done with BSG. Then, I watched it a second time with my wife.

David Tennant as the 10th doctor

Since then, I have watched all 3 of the Stargate series, Firefly, Lexx, Farscape, Fringe, Babylon 5, Caprica, BSG for a third time, and am currently watching Falling Skies, Revolution, Red Dwarf, Under the Dome, and of course, Doctor Who. I have watched all 7 of the new seasons, and have also been watching the classic seasons. Its all good stuff. My favorite doctor is the 10th, played by David Tennant. Nothing against the others I've seen so far. Matt Smith and Christopher Eccleston were both excellent, and the classic Doctors were all good as well (As I am writing this, I am up to Tom Baker as the 4th Doctor.)So, I've got my full geek on, and I know this blog post is not going to be ANY help to those who have never seen the show. It isn't like Star Trek. I can explain that show in one short paragraph:

Its a show based in the future where Humans have formed a cooperative alliance with other races, and the stories that come from various ships and crews.

No, with Doctor Who, I could write a 20 page report on it, and you'd still be confused. This is a show that you just have to sit down and watch. If you like it, you won't be able to stop watching it. If not, no big deal. It isn't for everyone. But to the people who it is for, it is every bet as dear to them as Star Trek is to Star Wars is to their fans. 'Whovians' are every bit as dedicated, and maybe even more so to Doctor Who than Trekkies.

Matt Smith as the 11th
Doctor, and Amy 'Legs' Pond

But, even though I can't tell you what the show is about, I can attempt to peak your interest, in order to make you want to see it. And if you have seen it, you'll read this part, and think "Damn right!"

For example, I can no longer watch a movie that shows London, without expecting to see a large ship come crashing into a famous landmark. Also, I will never look at statues the same way again. When I see something move out of the corner of my eye, I KNOW that something is there. Dust in a Doctor Who has had on ALL of sci fi. Sure, you can watch the new seasons, but know that what may seem to be a ripoff of Star Trek was actually ripped off from Doctor Who. For example, the Cybermen were assimilating people into cyborgs LONG before the Borg came to the Alpha Quadrant of the galaxy.

sunbeam isn't as innocent as I used to think it was. Those things are just scratching the surface. There is so much more in the Whovian universe to explore. I mean, the show has been around for 50 years, and has over 600 episodes. But the biggest thing you'll do especially if you watch the classic shows is watch other sci fi, and realize how much of an impact is there.

Cyberman inspired the Borg.

A while back, I did a blog post asking which iconic sci fi transportation method you would most like to have out of the Tardis, USS Enterprise, and a Stargate. The Tardis won hands down. It wasn't even close. The Tardis, for those of my readers who are not Whovians, is the ship of the Doctor. It looks like a police box on the outside, but its enormous on the inside. It can go anywhere in the universe, at any time. So, wouldn't you rather have the Tardis?

Daleks. They do NOT come in peace

So, what is my point of all this? Basically, as a new fan, I am excited about where the show is going. And, there is a movie that comes out on BBC-1 on November 23. Its called 'The Day of the Doctor.' Matt Smith and David Tennant are in it AS their Doctor characters...once again, don't ask me to explain. The franchise has done multiple doctor movies several times. I am thinking that at the end of this movie, we will have yet another doctor. Although John Hurt plays a Doctor in this movie, (his place is in between number 8 and 9) he is not worthy of the 'Doctor' title because of what he did during the Time War. A war that haunts the Doctor, and has been touched on repeatedly in the 7 new seasons, but nothing concrete has been revealed, other than the Doctor slaughtered millions of Daleks. One might argue that it was a good thing since the Daleks are about the most evil bastards in the universe, but stop me if you've heard this...You can't explain Doctor who.

You've just gotta watch! So, go watch if you've never seen it before. Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime have the seven new seasons so you aren't losing anything to give it a shot. Just start with New series 1, starring Christopher Eccleston. He was only in one season, so its impossible to mess up the viewing order!

Happy watching! Don't blink!

Click to Enlarge.
The Doctors: 1, William Hartnell 2, Patrick Troughton 3, Jon Pertwee 4, Tom Baker 5, Peter Davidson 6, Colin Baker 7, Sylvester McCoy 8, Paul McGann 9,John Hurt, 10, Christopher Eccleston 11, David Tennant 12, Matt Smith
13, Peter Capaldi. (new doctor)

I made this pic, and I did not make a typo. Even though 10 and 11 are different than earlier in the post, it is still right. You'll just have to watch!

The Opposite of Incognito Is...

....Apparently the Miami Dolphins front office, and PR department. Unless you've been living under a rock the past few weeks, whether you are a football fan or not, you've heard of the so called 'bullying' story in the Miami Dolphins locker room, involving 2 offensive linemen. Jonathan Martin and Richie Incognito. Its ridiculous.

If you listened to the Will and Thunder Show two  weeks ago, you heard Thunder and I calling Richie Incognito a bully and a jerk. Since then, we both have have agreed that we were on the wrong side of that issue. So, here I am on the record, issuing Richie Incognito an apology. This is something that everyone else in the media, as well as the Miami Dolphins front office needs to do.

Shame to lose one of your best players because
of a gutless coward.

On the surface, the text messages that Incognito sent to Martin seem out of line. However, once the players started talking, the real story began to emerge. Quarterback, Ryan Tannehill said "Richie said, 'Jonathan is like my little brother.' I think that's an accurate depiction. He gave him a hard time. He messed with him. But he was the first one there to have his back in any situation."

Wide receiver, Brian Hartline who was the most vocal among the players said "If I'm not mistaken, this is the same guy [Martin] who was laughing about this voice mail at one point and time, first of all," receiver Brian Hartline said. "Second of all, I believe that, if you go through the whole voice mail, there's some things said that you probably shouldn't say in general, friends or not friends. But I know for a fact that I've said things to my friends that I kind of wish I never said, either. "With that being said, I never thought it was a death threat. I never thought he was actually going to do the things he said. If you can't take validity from one part of the voice mail, how do you take validity from the whole voice mail? You can't pick and choose what parts count and which parts don't count."

Incognito's text of course said this: “Hey, wassup, you half n—– piece of [expletive] . . . I saw you on Twitter, you been training ten weeks. [I want to] [expletive] in your [expletive] mouth. [I'm going to] slap your [expletive] mouth. [I'm going to] slap your real mother across the face (laughter). [Expletive] you, you’re still a rookie. I’ll kill you.”

Sure, its abrasive, and even rude, but these guys were friends. In fact, Jonathan Martin replied BACK to Incognito, saying that he would kill Incognito's whole family. NOT the other way around, as it was originally reported. 

So, here we have two buddies who talk to each other in the same way that most people in the hip hop culture talk to each other. Right or wrong, that's the way it is. Neither were offended by it initially. 

So, what went wrong?

Before I answer that, let's take a look at the texts FROM Martin TO Incognito after the Dolphins win over the Cincinnati Bengals:

That doesn't sound like someone who suffers from PTSD as was reported yesterday. 

Now, on the PTSD issue, its a slap in the face to veterans who have seen combat, and all the horrors that go along with it. 

This brings me to what I think went wrong. Here we go: Jonathan Martin obviously is not a 'man's man.' He is one of these weak minded men who cry and talk about their feelings on 0prah and the Dr Phil show. Society has been trying to soften men up for a couple decades now. It all started with 'My Buddy,' the baby doll for boys back in 1985. Things like that become accepted, which makes even more crazy and unmanly things to be accepted, and pretty soon, you have a generation of men who can't handle pressure, and run crying rather than facing adversity head on...like a MAN!! 

Dolls are for GIRLS.
Not boys.

Now, my theory about Martin is this. He got through football in high school and college, but once he got to the NFL, he couldn't handle the pressure of the locker room, and the added pressure of playing and practicing football full time. So, he decided that he couldn't handle it, and rather than just own up to it...LIKE A MAN...and go to the team, and say "Look guys, this isn't for me, and I've gotta go." He decided to play the victim card, and smear his best friend in the process, which will likely wind up costing Incognito his job in Miami. Since he's the victim, everyone will feel sorry for him, and he will be able to leave the team, and still keep his money. This isn't the first time Miami has had a situation like this. 

This story is NOT about bullying. It never was. I am in no way downplaying bullying at all. Like I said before, on the radio show, I called Incognito a bully and a jerk. But that was before I had all the facts. This story isn't even about hazing. Neither hazing or bullying took place here.

In summary, Jonathan Martin is a greedy gutless coward who wants the NFL money, but doesn't want to play in the NFL. So, basically, Martin has cost Miami their best offensive lineman. And, he will get exactly what he wanted from Miami's front office, and Incognito will get screwed. Oh, he will get paid, and rightfully so. He's filed a grievance against the Dolphins for his being wrongfully suspended.

Richie Incognito in the Pro Bowl

Its such a shame that so many men have become such wussies. Even if Martin was angered or offended by Incognito's texts, Martin should have handled it himself. He should have put his foot down, and told Incognito to knock it off. And you know what? He probably would have, but like I said...This isn't about Incognito. This is all about wanting money for nothing.

My advice for Jonathan Martin if he wants NFL money, but doesn't want to be in the NFL? Try the lottery.

It is getting so VERY hard to be a Dolphins fan these days.

SPECIAL EDITION OF THE WILL AND THUNDER SHOW! Listen to the archived show on this topic!

”

Metallica is Dead. Sad But True!

 Oh, I'm going to take some shots for this one...Before we get started, let me give you a summary of my view of Metallica. I think that with the albums Ride the Lightning and Master of Puppets, the band peaked. While And Justice For All is a good album, it was a serious letdown to be the followup to Master of Puppets. Although topping Master of Puppets is a pretty tall order, considering that album is one of the top 5 greatest metal albums of all time. I'm not even going to get into the bass guitar or lack thereof on And Justice For All.

Anyway, Metallica released the Black album next, and while it had to grow on me, I eventually accepted it as their third best album. It was certainly their best sounding album as far as production goes. After that, Load and Reload were released. They did grow on me to the point that if it were done by a band NOT called Metallica, they would be great albums. Both albums are good and solid metal albums. Then came St. Anger. WTF were they thinking? No guitar solos? Lars Ulrich's drums sound like he is beating on a garbage can, and the guitar sound is like nails on a chalkboard. By far, the WORST Metallica album to date.

In late 2007, we started hearing rumors coming out of the studio that Metallica was working on a juggernaut of a metal album, and that the answers to all of the fans prayers would be released later the next year. We all waited in anticipation. Finally, Death Magnetic was released, and we all bought it...only to be let down once again. The songs are unnecessarily long, with extra musical bits that don't really fit with the song, seemingly just to make the song longer. And, James Hetfield confirms what we all suspected after hearing St. Anger. He does not have the voice anymore. And, if you saw them live, you would agree. Lars is slower, and that is to be expected. He's 50 something years old, and the drum parts in the first 4 albums were among the fastest recorded at the time.

So, we are still waiting for that breakthrough return to form album. You might say that it isn't possible. You would be wrong. Earlier this year, an amazing return to form or reboot album was released by another band. Click here to find out who it is.

But, all this is not even why I am saying the band is dead. Death Magnetic did not suck, and Metallica still puts on a hell of a show live, even though it isn't as fast as it was. I'm saying they are dead because of things they have said and done in interviews, and behind the scenes.

It all started with S&M...Although I thought that was a pretty cool thing to do, lots of people thought Metallica playing with an orchestra was a major non metal moment. In fact, VH1 listed that as the #23 non metal moment of all time. Some songs sounded like a train wreck, like One. Others sounded great like For Whom The Bell Tolls. The Scorpions and Deep Purple did it too.

 But, in my opinion, it started to go downhill with them in the Some Kind of Monster movie, where they showed scenes with Lars Ulrich and Dave Mustaine having a heart to heart. I thought they were going to hug and start crying. Later in the movie, James Hetfield was airing out his feelings like an after school special. Yep. That was the beginning of the end. In fact, here is a blog post written by a MAN no less, explaining why non metalheads will like the Monster movie. (the quote is also a link)

The user-friendly film focuses on the band's therapy sessions over a three-year period. It lets you see how the members react to their time with therapist and personal-enhancement coach Phil Towle and to each other, as expressed to the ever-present cameras

Next came VH1's #38 least metal moment. Avril Lavigne playing Fuel at Metallica's Icon dedication. Once again, I thought that was pretty cool. I know I'm not doing myself any favors or lending myself any credibility by saying that I think that these are pretty cool in a blog post where I am trying to make the case that Metallica is dead. Believe me. You will understand when I am finished. You know, Avril Lavigne is a rocker chick. She writes her own songs, and can actually play guitar well. I am not a fan of hers but based on the few songs I heard of hers back in 2003, I would rather hear her music than 90% of the crap that is on the radio today. I've never understood what VH1 had against her doing Fuel for that show.

Speaking of VH1's list of nonmetal moments, what I am leading up to would surely make number one on an updated list. This is worse than the current number one which is 1. Vince Neil Leads Giant Chicken Dance. 

Then came Lulu. Metallica releases an album with the late great Lou Reed. The burning question on everyone's mind was "WHY???" As the follow up to Death Magnetic, which was a letdown, this does not send a message of hope to the fans that somewhere underneath was the band that released Puppets and Lightning. One review states:

In qualitative terms, this album makes St Anger look like Master Of Puppets.

Nothing Else Matters crosses a line in my opinion. And, while Metallica can't control who covers their music, this whole mess could have been avoided if maybe...I don't know...METALLICA HAD NEVER WRITTEN THAT DAMN SONG IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

Now, the band obviously can't control who covers their songs, but Macy Gray covering 

While that is bad, brace yourselves. This is the story that signals the demise of Metallica. No one should ever take them seriously again after this. What could be so horrible?

From TMZ: Metallica -- yes, Metallica -- just professed their love and admiration for all things Justin Bieber… and they weren’t kidding … like not even a little bit.

The band was giving an interview with a rock magazine about Bieber's recent take on their mega-hit "Fade to Black," when lead singer James Hetfield admitted, "Are we Beliebers? Yes."

Drummer Lars Ulrich backed James up ... saying, "I think the kid's really talented and obviously to go through what he's going through at that early age must be a mindf**k. So the fact that he still goes out there and does it, I admire that and I think he's super talented, so I guess I am kind of a Belieber.”Bassist Robert Trujillo added "As long as he stays out of trouble, I'll be a Belieber.”  

Now, this whole story was started because of the picture above with Justin Bieber wearing the Metallica shirt, and a 20 second video clip of Beiber vocalizing the lead intro to Fade to Black. I don't see what is so special about that, but TMZ of course had to ask the band what they thought of it. Now, the METAL thing to say would have been along the lines of "Hey, its cool. We love all our fans, but if Bieber really is a Metallica fan, we'd love to hear some influence in his music." 

Instead, the band gave Bieber yet another ego stroking by enabling him to say "Even Metallica are Beliebers!" Its SAD BUT TRUE, and what's even worse is the possibility of yet another collaboration album. 

The thing that should not be...

So, RIP Metallica. Its been real. But unfortunately, the ONLY thing that can redeem you from this would be to release an album that ranks as the number 3 Metallica album behind Ride the Lightning and Master of Puppets. We won't hold our breath.

Rob Halford had it right on That Metal Show, when he said this: 

Although that was before Metallica came out as Justin Bieber fans. Had it been afterwards, he might have had something more to say other than what he did.

We'll miss you, Metallica, but we will still crank the good albums up to 11 and remember the good times. As for new music, we still have Megadeth. 

Listen to my radio show, The Will and Thunder Show as we discuss this topic. Click here.

A Bad Movie You Gotta See: Rock N Roll Nightmare

This is a movie that is just so bad that you just have to see it. Rock N roll Nightmare is an obscure cult classic that has a certain appeal, and falls into an 'Awesomely Horrible' category.

Keep in mind, this is not a hatchet piece. Also, keep in mind while reading that while it is a bad movie, I did joy it enough to recommend it to everyone. So, here we go:

Released in 1987, Rock N Roll Nightmare, also known as The Edge of Hell is a campy, straight to video Canadian movie, starring Jon Mikl Thor, a Canadian pro bodybuilder/ cult heavy metal singer. 

SPOILERS!!!

The movie starts out in a house with a family getting ready for their day. Suddenly, the mother is murdered by some creature that comes out of the oven. The little son is traumatized. Although, we don't see the attack, or whatever happens to her. 

Next, we see Jon Mikl Thor, aka John Triton: Singer of the heavy metal band, Triton in a van, on his way to the house. Seems Triton has rented the house for 5 weeks to record their new album in privacy and seclusion...But, they brought girlfriends, and one of the members who had just gotten married brought his new wife. In fact, the wife said she can't think of a better honeymoon than spending 5 weeks with the band....What the??? Anyone who is married knows that if you suggested 5 weeks with your buddies as your honeymoon, your wife would be seeking an annulment the same day. Anyway, back to the van. It must have driven from Orlando to Ontario because the scene was long enough to make that drive.

Are we there yet??

The band pulls up to the house, and starts unloading. Jon Triton tells everyone to get settled in, and they would rehearse in 2 hours. Note that when they arrived, they were wearing every day clothes, yet when they begin rehearsing, they are wearing clothes like you'd expect to see them on stage wearing. Most band members I know of don't wear gig clothes while practicing. They dress for comfort because the practice space is either blazing hot or ice cold. Yet, we see Triton dressed up like they were opening for Bon Jovi, and Jon Triton looks like David Lee Roth on steroids. And, we get to hear their next hit, ' We Live to Rock' in its entirety...although, during the song, the music becomes distorted as if to signal that something bad was about to happen, then gets back to normal. Then, we see the first sign of trouble...A cyclops looking oven mitt like thing that is clearly a hand puppet sneaks up to the band's manager's drink, and hocks something invisible into it. The manager doesn't notice. He drinks it, and goes about his business. 

I resent the oven mitt strerotype.
Its hurtful. We do NOT look like
oven mitts.

The band finishes their song, and the drummer breaks a drumstick, and starts complaining that he doesn't have any more. What kind of drummer doesn't have backup drumsticks?

Next, we have to assume that one of the little monsters got one of the girlfriends too because she heads off the manager, and starts to seduce him, and we get the first boobie shot of the movie. The manager caves in, and they start making out. Then, the girl turns into a monster and we are led to believe that she eats him. Although, when they notice he is gone, they assume that he went into town to get more drumsticks...at midnight.

Gimme some sugar, baby!

In bed at midnight? And you call yourselves
Rock n Roll??

Then, in true rock and roll fashion, the band and girlfriends all go night night. I'm sure some Rock N Royalty would have something to say about that. But, there to preserve the band's reputation, a carload of groupies show up at 2AM. The only one awake is the possessed manager who we assumed was dead. He lets them in, and starts rambling on about how they need to do their duties and show the boobies. The groupies run off. This movie does no favors to preserving the continuity of the legendary and infamous debauchery of bands like Kiss, etc. Why do I keep including Kiss in this review? This is why. But, Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park is not even in the awesomely horrible category. Its just horrible.

The next day, most of the band and girlfriends are possessed. All but Triton, the female keyboardist, guitarist, and two of the girlfriends. His and the drummer's. The drummer and his girlfriend go outside, and start getting it on. She takes her top off, and the drummer starts to strip too. All of a sudden, a hand comes out of his stomach, and grabs the girl's boob. She starts screaming, and Triton's girlfriend hears it, and Triton laughs it off as just sexual noises.

I never knew Mark Hamill was in an
Exorcist spinoff!

 This happens while we see the female keyboard player and the guitarist  in a 5 minute sex scene with no nudity at all. Then, we see Triton and his  girlfriend in a 3 minute shower scene with nudity including the required  ass shot of body builder, Mikl Thor. Then, we see the keyboard and  guitar players getting dressed, when all of a sudden, the kid from the  beginning of the film sticks his head in, and leads them out into the barn.  The guitarist and keyboardist go to follow him, and the kid becomes a  monster and kills them. Then, its back to the shower scene for another  minute or two!

By that time, the singer and his girlfriend are the only ones left. They go out into the barn, and Triton concludes that the rest of the crew must have gone into town for the day since they put all the equipment away. So, Triton and his -Wait...WHAT???? The equipment got put away? The band members didn't put it away. They were too busy getting killed! So, the monster must have put all the equipment away after killing everyone. How nice of him!

And now for...The TWIST!!!!

We find out that Triton is not a man. He is an archangel sent to defeat Satan in an epic battle, and that none of the people who were killed or possessed were actually there. They were all illusions that Triton created to lure out Satan. In fact, Satan somehow possessed the illusion of Triton's girlfriend. Triton was wearing more stage clothes because he had just finished jamming with the band and demonic doubles of people who were never there to begin with. It did happen. They played Energy.

But then, Satan himself shows up and Triton

magically changes clothes..He is wearing nothing other than black underwear with chrome studs, boots, and lots of hairspray, body oil, and makeup that just magically appears on him...Oh..He has a cape too.

Doesn't the little monster thing with the gray hair kind of look like Bill Clinton?

Of course, we all knew that Since Mikl Thor is a pro bodybuilder, a show off scene was inevitable. But, we just had no idea how scary it would be. And, Satan looks like a prop you might find at one of those Halloween spirit stores that open up in October. And, it fights like one too. First, it throws a couple Quadopi (octopus with 4 tentacles?) at him and he struggles with them in a flex fest. Finally, he dispatches them, and moves on to Satan, where they have an epic game of push and shove. Triton finally flexes out a victory, and the world is safe from Beelzeprop. Next, we see a suburban neighborhood, and the movie ends.

....or does it?

what do you mean I'm a prop???

While writing this review, I learned that in 2005, Jon Mikl Thor made a sequel to this movie! Intercessor: Another Rock N Roll Nightmare Maybe I'll watch it and review it sometime next year.

You know....The twist kind of brought a question to mind...If everything there was a made up illusion, what was Triton doing during the shower scenes? UGH!!!

You gotta see this movie. Like I said, it was horribly awesome, and lots of cornball campy fun. I imagine it would be even better with some beer and buddies. I give this movie 4 out of 5 cornballs, which is a very good rating for a bad movie! So, Netflix it, order it, buy it or rent it! Here's a link to the high definition DVD release. So, get it, and enjoy!!!

I'm Bill Clinton, and I recommend this movie. Even though my cameo
was very brief, and I didn't get to have sex in it, the movie still kicks ass.

Late Movie review: The Purge

______________________________________

You are depriving me of my right to purge!!!

___________________________

I don't bother seeing movies in the theater anymore. Since 2006, I have seen 6 movies in the theater. The 4 Transformers movies, 2009 Star Trek and Star Trek Into Darkness. I am just not into paying good money for overpriced popcorn and soda to sit in a room with a bunch of kids yelling back and forth at each other. Add to that the fact that my hearing isn't all that great due to 15+ years of playing in heavy metal bands, and never wearing earplugs, my movie going experience is less than stellar. So, I wait until they come out on DVD, and watch them at home where I can pause the movie, and use closed captioning. I can also stretch out and get comfortable.

So, I like talking about movies, and I figured I shouldn't be excluded from reviewing them just because they are a couple months behind everyone else, so my reviews might be a little late. No worries. The beauty of this is that the reviews could be a couple months late, or a couple DECADES late!

Last night, I watched The Purge, and if I could, I would purge that movie from my memory. Some people loved this movie, but to me, it was just the same old home invasion movie with a twist...This time, it is LEGAL!!!

We start off with a near future realization that there is no crime, and unemployment is at 1%. And, we have the so called 'New Founders of the United States of America' to thank for this. The reason? Once a year, all crime is legal, including murder for 12 hours to purge all violent thought from everyone's head. BUT, like every "brilliant" law, politicians are exempt from the purge. Much like 0bamacare! Damn, I love our government coming up with all these great laws that are great for all of us, but for some reason, our "they" are exempt. Hollywood unknowingly parodied their beloved boy king, 0bama with this part of the movie.

But, the ridiculousness doesn't end there. The news broadcasters wish God's mercy on the people who are involved in the purge, and pray that "God be with everyone" on this night. When was the last time a politician or a news caster even acknowledged God, other than to say how wrong and illegal it was to bring Him up? (Unless its Allah, then its ok) Think that will change anytime soon? The reporters also repeatedly say things like "Praise the new Founders of America!" That's also funny because if you've watched the news lately, all the reporters do is worship our tyrannical government like they are gods.

Want to know about the people who are killed during The Purge? They are chalked up as an acceptable sacrifice for the greater good. The This movie isn't a scary entertainment piece. Its a wish list for the political left in this country.

Uncle Joe's got it right. PEW PEW PEW!

Notice his dog tags? He is a veteran.

The newscasters also say several times how they are excited to expect the "best purge so far" this year...which means the most people killed. I would have liked to have seen a scene where they showed someone getting "purged" and have that person be a close friend or relative of the reporter. Think they would be so giddy then? Also, with all crime including murder being legal, I suppose if someone wanted to rape and kill a 3 year old kid, that would be ok too? While I am surprised that a typical Hollywood director let all of this go without editing it, one thing in this film that does NOT surprise me is that a man winds up being let into the house of the stars of the story. He is being chased by a group of preppie douchebags who are angry because he killed one of their group in self defense while they were trying to kill him. As if they want you to sit back and let a criminal kill you for no reason, and if you dare defend yourself, you deserve to die even more. (Just buy a shotgun!) But, this man who was being hunted was a veteran. How fitting? A movie with a preppy college mob chasing down and wanting to kill a US veteran? And they also show this veteran being tortured. Stay classy, Hollywood!

But what is possibly the most ridiculous part of this film, the people doing the murdering think that it is some type of entitlement. Several times in the movie, the killers would say things like "You are denying me my right to purge!!!" Only a brainwashed society would actually believe that they have a right over your life, and get angry if you try to defend yourself. It would take an uber medicated society, and a grossly sculpted entitlement system that would have to be many generations old, plus activists teaching classes instead of teachers in order for something like this to happen.

You know, this movie could have been better. they could have showed a group of people trying to get home during the purge because their car broke down right before it began. Although, that movie has been done before.

And, as if this movie wasn't awful enough, I have a question for you:

Which of these scenes came from The Purge?

And while I'm sure each one of you who saw the movie recently got it right but 10 years from now, you probably won't remember. As I said before, there are so many home invasion movies that are exactly the same thing, what is the point? I guess the point is that the little twist of "ITS LEGAL OH MY GOD!!!" worked for enough people that we get the privilege of another piece of cinematic gold. garbage. The Purge 2. Oh goody! I bet that it will be like my description of what this movie could have been. But in the meantime, while we anxiously await The Purge 2, we will undoubtedly be subjected to 20 different home invasion movies, all wanting to cash in on the success of The Purge. Much like when they remade Last House on the Left, the copycat movies 'The House at the End of the Street' and 'Last House on the Right' we will have 'Hate Purge' and 'Channeled Aggression' and the straight to DVD release, Hate Purge 2: The Slumber Party.

Basically, don't waste your time and money on this film. It sucked. I'm done.